says bloggity

"Sometimes don't you wish you could wear dresses?"

"I'm probably going to die in a Mexican alley after propositioning a 4 year old."

"Why do you guys argue with me? You know I'm wrong anyway."

"I had a little pep talk with myself last night and I'm just going to be normal."

"I've got bigger fish to fly."

Glancing at “breaking news” footage of 8.9 earthquake followed by tsunami: “Oh, no!!! The worst has happened!!! NO JUICEBOX!!!!!!!!!!!!”

"My cheapness outweighed my horniness. Which is always the case."

Boy/girl, it doesn't matter. Hands are hands, and lips are lips.

"It's not often that I feel like a guy."

"I'm...fucking...Jesus."

"I'm going back in the closet."

"I had just seen Dinner for Schmucks - and loved it - and then was totally blindsided by my boyfriend breaking up with me. So I never got to talk with anyone about how much I loved that movie and I kind of think that's why it didn't do well. That still weighs on me."

KRISTEN: “I’ll miss Friday dance party. It was a good calorie-burn.”

BLOG: “OMIGOD, TRACEY GOLD! Not everything is about losing weight.”

"I do blog about fecal matter - about shit - so that's cool."

"I don't know if it's Oprah or Wendy Williams, but black people looooooooooooooove being on TV."

"I will eat anything."

"That would be a great way to shut her up: just stick a penis in her mouth."

"Sometimes I like to put peanut butter on my privates."

"I feel like I'm not in control of what I'm saying."

"I don't mean to be racist, and I blame Quentin Tarantino for this, but whenever I see Japanese girls chatting together I wonder what they are plotting."

"I'll be a fluffer. Ten bucks. Okay fine...eight."

"How are you going to teach you daughters to wipe their bums?"

"Bloggity, you've lost your homojo." -- Sandra

"Look how big that guy is. He has a kid. Imagine that poor vagina."

"I kiss so much ass."

"Jack Layton you're kinda hot"

"I have never found a way to eat a banana that's not phallic."

"Did you know that the plural for vagina is not vaginas? It's vaginae."

"I'm a fucking resource."

"Even when I'm crying I'm self-promoting."

"Do you know how many times I've cried while eating a Big Mac? It's embarrassing."

"I will murder you."

"I wouldn't date a colon. Might try touching one though."

"I love 'Heartland'. Actually I hate 'Heartland'. Let's get drunk."

"My penis is like Precious. It gets abused regularly but always gets its man."

"I could never date a fat person. I could never take criticism from them because, you're fat, you can't stop putting food in your mouth."

"I will say that I don't google myself that often."

"Do you think the one person in Egypt who has died feels dumb?"

"I love funny whores."

"Ooh gross. It looks like I have AIDS on my head."

"If I'm a top 40 under 40 just imagine the awards party later that night. I might even use both hands."

"I don't know what's wrong with me. Wait. Is that the question?"

"I'm going to die alone, aren't I?"

"I'm going to pirouette out of here."

"Remember when I drank year-old juice boxes? Ugh. What's wrong with me?"

Valentines Day: "We could have a staff blood drive, I mean half the staff can't donate, between aids, tattoos and homosexuals"

"This is a weird job. In one day I've emailed Skippy from Growing Pains and undressed a squirrel."

Mike: “It was something about a botched abortion.”

Sandra: “No; he worked in the Medical Examiner’s office.”

Mike: “It was an ABORTION!”

Sandra: “No; he worked…”

Mike: “AUTOPSY! I MEAN AUTOPSY!!!”

"My life is not a blog."

"Oh my god, my juice boxes have expired."

"I went home this weekend and was analyzing the week to see what made me happy - and two juice box day was pretty huge."

"I feel like Phil would be pokey."

"Fuck you, Yawney you're not Bill Nye"

"I peed in Travis' house."

"Sorry I have the emotional stability of Elizabeth Taylor"

"Travis stop being straight!"

Mike: "I want to Dance!"
Travis: "No!"
Mike: "Why?! Are you the Mayor of Footloose?"

"I just want to help you guys with your passive-aggressive thing. No, not passive-aggressive. I don’t know what that means."

"Yes! Two juice box day!"

"It's weird that most sports initiations are way gayer than anything I've ever done."

"I like buying cards."

"How the fuck would I know what soccer practice jerseys look like? I'm from Fredericton. We wear white t-shirts for everything."

"I've been called, like 6 times, the worst gay ever."

"I say crazy shit all the time."

"I need to retract the base. I just want someone, boy or girl, that I can go to second base with."

"My therapist stopped seeing me. Then I told her I stole a baby and she said she couldn't get into that with me."

"Can Charlie Sheen just die?"

"I don't sing through my nose."

"Maybe we can exhume Chris Farley's body and make him do weird celebrity impressions."

"I'm fucked up, Sandra."

"I like sweaters. And I'm not even going to feel bad about it."

"Can you press on my hand please?"

"What is he, the girl from Signs? Why does he need so many glasses of water?"

"It's been a long time since anyone touched me like that. But you're 18, right David?"

"It's like asking Anne Frank for interior decorating tips."

"I hate those avatar things, like make your own Simpsons character or Wii player, because the default setting is exactly what I look like. I don't even have glasses to add."

"I'm not funny today. I'm just going to put my earphones in and shut up."

"If Nenshi called me and asked me on a date I would definitely go. Just so I could say later that I went on a date with him. But I'm totally not into him."

"I went on a date with Kyle Shewfelt."

"Oh. Shut up everyone."

"My back is so itchy all the time."

"Just sometimes my back is dry. And I can't reach it. Ughhhh."

"The thing I miss most about being in a relationship is having someone to rub moisturizer on my back. Shit is getting dry and I can't reach."

"I know who my audience is. "

"It's like there's a crime scene in my pants."

"I am going to cuddle you to death."

"Oh my god, do I talk about things that were around when you guys were 5?"

"A nappy-noo is like a little cuddle."

"I know it seems like I'm being mean, but it's the only way people will listen."

"Yes, I have skyped naked. I don't care."

"I really didn't think I was a bad dancer until I started working here."

"They really need to make a Constructs movie."

"She's just asking to be raped."

"Is there anything more annoying than putting your earphones in and then realizing you haven't put your bag over your shoulder?"

"What's with the high-fiving at hockey games? I hate it. Get me my 50-50 ticket and get me the fuck out of there."

To his boss: "Oooh, you're so smart."

"I just realized that I missed out on two professions with my size and perfect vision: jockey and pilot. Shit."

"Seriously. Is there anything more annoying than having a juice box with no straw?"

On the fact that Amy Poehler was a teen model: "What? Was she a model for kids who should have been aborted?"