Mike: “It was something about a botched abortion.”
Sandra: “No; he worked in the Medical Examiner’s office.”
Mike: “It was an ABORTION!”
Sandra: “No; he worked…”
Mike: “AUTOPSY! I MEAN AUTOPSY!!!”
Tuesday, Feb. 1st, 8:05am
Monday, Jan. 31st, 1:54pm
"I went home this weekend and was analyzing the week to see what made me happy - and two juice box day was pretty huge."
Saturday, Jan 29th, 11:38pm
Mike: "I want to Dance!"
Travis: "No!"
Mike: "Why?! Are you the Mayor of Footloose?"
Travis: "No!"
Mike: "Why?! Are you the Mayor of Footloose?"
Friday, Jan. 28, 3:02pm
"I just want to help you guys with your passive-aggressive thing. No, not passive-aggressive. I don’t know what that means."
Friday, Jan. 28, 2:24pm
"It's weird that most sports initiations are way gayer than anything I've ever done."
Friday, Jan. 28, 8:35am
"How the fuck would I know what soccer practice jerseys look like? I'm from Fredericton. We wear white t-shirts for everything."
Thursday, Jan. 27th, 3:57pm
"I need to retract the base. I just want someone, boy or girl, that I can go to second base with."
Thursday, Jan. 27th, 3:44pm
"My therapist stopped seeing me. Then I told her I stole a baby and she said she couldn't get into that with me."
Thursday, Jan. 27th, 1:54pm
"Maybe we can exhume Chris Farley's body and make him do weird celebrity impressions."
Thursday, Jan. 27th, 12:10pm
"What is he, the girl from Signs? Why does he need so many glasses of water?"
Thursday, Jan. 27th, 12:05pm
"It's been a long time since anyone touched me like that. But you're 18, right David?"
Thursday, Jan. 27th, 11:45am
"I hate those avatar things, like make your own Simpsons character or Wii player, because the default setting is exactly what I look like. I don't even have glasses to add."
Thursday, Jan. 27th, 9:10am
"I'm not funny today. I'm just going to put my earphones in and shut up."
Wednesday, Jan. 26, 3:13pm
"If Nenshi called me and asked me on a date I would definitely go. Just so I could say later that I went on a date with him. But I'm totally not into him."
Wednesday, Jan. 26, 2:27pm
"The thing I miss most about being in a relationship is having someone to rub moisturizer on my back. Shit is getting dry and I can't reach."
Wednesday, Jan. 26, 1:12pm
"Oh my god, do I talk about things that were around when you guys were 5?"
Friday, Jan. 21, 3:27pm
"I know it seems like I'm being mean, but it's the only way people will listen."
Thursday, Jan. 20th, 4:21pm
"Is there anything more annoying than putting your earphones in and then realizing you haven't put your bag over your shoulder?"
Thursday, Jan. 20th, 2:39pm
"What's with the high-fiving at hockey games? I hate it. Get me my 50-50 ticket and get me the fuck out of there."
Thursday, Jan. 20th, 1:42pm
"I just realized that I missed out on two professions with my size and perfect vision: jockey and pilot. Shit."
Thursday, Jan. 20th, 1:39pm
"Seriously. Is there anything more annoying than having a juice box with no straw?"
Thursday, Jan. 20th, 1:28pm
On the fact that Amy Poehler was a teen model: "What? Was she a model for kids who should have been aborted?"
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